I’m sitting here right now, between jobs, pondering my life, where I’m going, what I’m doing, and what it means. This is a dangerous thing to do when you have nothing to do, you’re limerent over somebody momentarily inaccessible, and you’re down from your usual swagger.
The idea of destiny has come up a lot in my mind lately—not just surrounding the person with whom I’m smitten, but also several other aspects of my life. What am I doing with my life? What am I doing with my career? Why have I been composing music formally for 15 years, but I don’t have any music released yet? Why am I on pause right now?
Introspection is a good thing. Introspection under the cloud of temporary self-doubt leads to overanalysis, which tears up relationships, self-esteem, and the will to march beyond this moment. Time also passes really slowly under such circumstances. That becomes dangerous when interfacing with people who are very busy, for whom time passes too quickly.
I’ve discovered that the best course of action in this situation, when one feels time has a head start and keeps a relentlessly difficult-to-follow pace—while at the same time, trudges slowly on (especially, if you’re impatient, insecure, and waiting for something)—is to get very busy. Invent stuff to do that involves doing something other than sitting there thinking about things.
But, in taking a break from my programming books (I’m brushing some forgotten stuff up today), I’ve come to the following conclusions lately.
- Insecurity – We’re human. Sometimes, we do things we know we shouldn’t and then we beat ourselves up over it. Maybe we’ve done or said something really stupid that we would retract. This happens to everyone. We aren’t less for it. We’re more for it. After we apologize, we should consider not apologizing over and over again, especially if the apology is directed inwards.
- Inactivity – No matter where we live, there are things we can do. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area and sat around for too long, chatting on the internet, worrying about things, and considering what’s next. It isn’t about what’s next. It’s about what’s right now. On the spur of the moment, I decided to go on a road trip yesterday and ended up climbing up and around High Peaks Trail at Pinnacles National Monument. I had no idea I was going there until I saw the sign on the road. We don’t all have access to magnificent natural wonders like this. But, we have access to ourselves. Go for a walk, a bike ride, a paddle, a run. Scream, sing, cry, get it all out. Go. Now.
- Indecision – This one’s tough. Sometimes, we’re thinking someone or something is really great, but we’re not sure. We don’t want to get hurt. We don’t want to rush into anything. We might be wrong. And we can be wishy washy about things, great and small. But, sometimes, we just have to run headlong at full bore into the wall. Sometimes, we just have to push all of our chips into the middle of the table and say "I’m all in." It might hurt like hell if it fails, but imagine the sweetness when it doesn’t.
- Love – Accept it. Just accept it, when it’s given. And don’t stress about absence or worry about not receiving constant reminders. Just accept that when someone says they’re in, they’re in, until they explicitly say they’re not. With too much time and a tiny pinch of insecurity, it can get easy to be overanalytical, oversensitive, and clingy. And we’re not really that kind of people, are we? We’re strong, solid, independent, fantastic, awesome, sometimes vulnerable, but magnificent. In Panic (2000), Neve Campbell’s character said something in a deleted scene that stuck with me, "I believe in destiny. Either someone loves you, or they don’t. If they don’t, there’s nothing you can do about it anyway." Okay? Breathe. Relax. It’s going to be fine.
- Time – We have control over this unlike anything else. It’s the only resource we have that we can’t get back. We can squander all of our money, but we can always earn more. But, we will never get our time back. Every moment is an opportunity. Every moment with friends, loves, and family is a gift. We waste too much of our time concentrating on trivial things sometimes. We don’t tell people we love them, until it’s too late. We take vacation pay at the end of the year, instead of taking the vacation days. We sit in cubicles and dream about going somewhere away and years roll by while the passport in the desk expires.
So, I’m pondering these lessons and reminding myself of more lessons.
And now, I want to speak to you, whoever you are, wherever you’re reading this, whatever your pain or sorrow or joy or transcendence. I probably don’t know you, but I know this.
You are beautiful. You are magnificent. You inspire awe. You’re worth the greatest joy you can imagine. You may cry, get pissed off, vent, yell, scream, stink, sweat, pick your nose, get horny at inappropriate times, have weird tastes, smoke, eat meat, whatever. You’re still an awe-inspiring being. And every moment that you share with another person is the gift of you both. Remember to relax and breathe and stay out of your head if you don’t have anything to do.
Otherwise, you end up writing litanies like this. Heh. Oh, for sad, for sad.