The Oracle of Apollo Snippets from the life of Apollo Lee

Fellow Track Users

Dear Users of the Sunnyvale Track:

This is a really nice track, isn’t it? This whole park at Sunnyvale Middle School is great. There’s the tennis courts, that really awesome exercise course, three or four drinking fountains, lots of places to play baseball and soccer and basketball. Some of those hoops are only eight feet up, so us short bastards can dunk and hang on the rim like Mike.

I’m really concerned about one thing, because some of you people seem to not have any idea what the track is for. So, I’m going to take the liberty to say here what nobody else is willing to say.

• South Asian Mother: Your daughter is the most adorable thing in the entire world. That little orange bicycle she has is so cute. There you are, walking around the field inside the track, babbling on your cell phone, while your adorable four year old daughter noodles around the track unsupervised. Perhaps they do things differently where you’re from, so I’ll spell it out right here. Please keep your daughter out of the inside edge of the track. I’m not blaming her — she’s four. But, you should keep an eye on her. When she dismounts her bike to play, do not leave her bicycle in the track. There are a nontrivial number of us also trying to use the track to run. Bring the bike onto the grass, please, so I don’t have to wander around it.
• Dust Kickers: There is to be no kicking of dust on my track. What the fuck is that? We’re trying to athlete ourselves sweaty here.
• Family of Trudgers: I’m really glad you’re out, getting exercise in the sunshine, outside in the park that all of our taxes pay for. It’s here for the good of everyone. When a big, fat redneck in a crew cut says “excuse me” because he’s chasing a heart attack on the inside lane of the track, move your ass. Your unpredictable stroll in the track, bobbing to and fro, makes me want to clothes line you. Don’t stop in the track and look confused. I’m trying to keep my heart rate up.
• South Asian Girl: Your t-shirt says “Politically Correct is not Historically Accurate” and features a Confederate flag. I see you every time I’m on the track. I don’t have the heart to ask, but what the fuck? Are you serious? Wow.
• Dad and Son: Your Walmart mountain bikes do not belong on the track, especially if you can’t ride a straight line. It isn’t hard. Dad, next time you pull over to talk on your cell phone, move to the outside of the track. If I have to jump over you like a hurdle, I will make sure my nutsack drags across your forehead. Let’s try to turn the Douchebag knob down to 5 or 6, okay?

I see a number of people of different shapes and sizes using the Sunnyvale Middle School Park’s track. I see lots of people being courteous. For those unsure of the rules, here’s a quick run down.

1. Running on the track occurs counterclockwise.
2. Slower runners, joggers, and walkers should yield the inside of the track to overtakers.
3. Bicycles do not belong on the track.
4. Children should be supervised and under no circumstances should they be permitted to play chicken with strangers.
5. If you did not bring it and it is not part of the facilities, leave it alone. Do not inspect, examine, play with, or drink from my stuff.

Thank you, fellow park users, for your attention.

Yours,

Apollo Lee

P.S.: Keep running. You’re looking great!