The Oracle of Apollo Snippets from the life of Apollo Lee

Three Tips for Getting Your Test Drive Quickly

I’m shopping for a car. In order to narrow my list to three that I really want, I have to test drive a whole bunch of different kinds of cars in various configurations. Some car lots really don’t want you to test drive their cars. Here are some tips I’ve come up with to help you get your ass in a seat, your hand on a gear shift, and your foot on the floor as you shred the freeway in a car with fewer miles on it than you’ve walked today.

1. No car salesmen older than I am. Get the hungry young man who loves cars. He knows that you’re not interested in the Camry. He knows you want something that, while it may not get you laid, won’t totally prevent such a thing from happening. He knows that you want some zip in the gas pedal, while not expecting a Ferrari, but still something that holds its own at the gas pump. He also doesn’t want to hang around the showroom. He wants to go peel out. (Note: I’m using he here because I’ve never met a female salesperson on any car lot in California. Ever.)
2. Time wasters. If you wander around the lot and nobody comes out to greet you and show you some cars, go inside and talk to the receptionist. As nicely as you can, explain to her that you’d like someone to come show you a car, and which car you’d like. If she tells you you’re going to have to wait, give her five minutes. Is that impatient? No. You’re a cash customer, you want to test drive a car, and the dealership next door will be ecstatic to take you for a test drive without making you wait for an hour.
3. No lazy assholes. If he offers you his card and says “When you’re ready to buy a car, give me a call and we’ll talk”, he doesn’t deserve your business. You’re not at the dealership for the free coffee, are you? Hey, salesman, why are you talking to me without keys in your hand?

Bonus tips:

1. Hooptie drivers. If you see the car salesman bolt from the lot as soon as you leave and jump in a car that is worth less than $1,000 — especially a car that isn’t a classic or a marquee of one of the brands his dealership sells, move on. It’s understandable if you’re at a BMW dealer, but if the guy hucking Pontiacs drives off in a 1986 Honda Prelude that spits black smoke, that’s kind of a warning sign.
2. Locked down lots. If every single car on the lot is locked during business hours so you can’t poke around in the cars without a salesman on your jock, that’s kind of a red flag. They’re going to be really pushy. A good car lot leaves at least one of each of its models unlocked, so people can adjust the seats, check out the gizmos, and get a feel for the car before they talk to the salesman. I poked around in a brand new Toyota Matrix for 20 minutes once, folding the back seats down flat, opening the tailgate, adjusting the seats, and sitting in the back. That was good. A little quiet time with the car is good.
3. Aggressive pushy sales guys. In my experience, some sales people, especially immigrants, try much more aggressively to try to get you to buy something—anything—right now, right here and will never budge on price. (Note: I won’t specify any particular kind of salesman who is the most aggressive, but when I have to struggle to make my desires known, I have to ditch this sales guy and find someone who isn’t going to try to hoodwink me.)